mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
