I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
