if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
