Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
