Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
