I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
