I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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