Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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