Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I woke up under a house in Key West
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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