she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
