i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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