Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Randomize
