3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
