i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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