i don't like sucking hair
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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