The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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