Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
everyone is single if you try hard enough
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize