I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
