She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
