in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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