She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
