i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
