If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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