the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
