Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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