I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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