y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
