I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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