Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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