If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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