I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
