my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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