i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
