he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
