accomplished twins. life is a go
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
