Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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