dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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