Moan for me like Helen Keller
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
