Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
You can't special order awesome
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The adults are the big ones right?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
