How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Ladies don't puke and tell
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
