Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
