i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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