Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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