Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize