they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
