dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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