god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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