Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
