Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
