Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
