Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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