So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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