i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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