i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
