i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
