I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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