Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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