i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
