I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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